I'm Not Waiting (to post anymore)

>> Thursday, May 19, 2011

Once again I'll start by saying, it's been a while. This time it was a long while. Unfortunately I don't have many subscribers and the people who do read this are either busy with finals or probably have forgotten this blog exists, yet I still feel the urge to write again. I feel like giving you a summary of what's been going on in my life the past month or so is somewhat pointless because there's really too much to cover. What I can say is that I have grown, learned, and listened so much more than ever, in the past 30 days or so.
The human is an interesting thing. I've heard someone say once, "humans are like animals that take things personally." I remember saying something along the lines of, "amen." I guess it's true. Like animals we learn from experience. We don't wake up knowing how to sit or shut up or poop in the proper place or listen or learn (you get the idea.) We learn from the things around us and suddenly they are in us without any effort, sometimes. Often, you don't know why you do a certain thing or feel a certain way, it's just what you do! We have adapted and molded ourselves based on things outside ourselves. The number of people I've encountered personally with in the last 4 weeks is more than you could fit on the largest cruise ship in the world, and it's because I opened myself up. I took a leap of faith and decided to let people into my life and hopefully let me into theirs. The results were staggering. First off I figured out that some things are better unsaid, and some things aren't. Most of the time, people would rather tell you their issues than hear yours, but there are those out there who actually want to listen. I think I am one of those people on occasion, but I am defiantly guilty of hogging what I call "The Pity Light" which is a cross between the spot light and a pity party. So, I am working on that every day, hopefully I'm making some improvement. The other major thing I came to see is that often times we can learn more from those we hate than those we love. I realize I use the word hate sort-of loosely, but someone said to me recently, "find what you don't like about the people you don't like and then take a look in the mirror, I bet you'll learn something." 
Love is probably the most powerful beast out there. After one of my exams, my teacher said to me, "keep doing what you love, and spread and carry the love around with you every day, we all need it." It hit me that I was doing what I love. I was at school for something that I truly loved to do. I had thought about it, maybe ever and I suddenly awoke to the fact that I had spent all year doing something and dedicating myself to something that I love. That's one type; love for something we do. I recently was asked by someone, "Do you love me? Like really love me?" I wasn't sure how to respond. I guess I had once again thrown the word around loosely and hadn't thought about what it really meant. I ended up seeing that I loved this person, but I wasn't in love. I think there is fine line between the two; to love someone means to really care about them on a level deeper than friendship, to be in love with someone...I haven't figured it out yet. I'll get there, and I can't wait to see whose there with me. Which sort of ties into this next one.
A word that many theatre majors have become familiar with. But I'm talking about the other kind, the kind that eats away at your insides and makes you wish for things that we don't have. I looked back on my year and saw in some ways, someone who was taking control of the things that he wanted to do and got stuff done when he needed to get it done, and in some ways I saw someone who was waiting for #1: things to happen to him, #2: things to come to him, #3: things that were gonna take him away. What was I waiting for? I don't regret anything, I try not to, so I don't regret the things I have and haven't done this year, but now I see why I got frustrated sometimes. I was waiting for things that either weren't coming or weren't going to come unless I started the ball rolling or furthermore took matters into my own hands. I think this is something that a lot of us do without realizing it. I sang a song called "I'm not waiting" in my spring voice recital, and that's what got this whole idea in my head.

I have a lot more things to talk about like movies, and home and such so I could go on forever and I'm sure I'll be posting some more stuff soon but I thought I'd share this idea with you. My Dad began sending me ideas and quotes that someone sent to him or he came across online or read in a book or whatever, and I told to keep doing it! They are all really good, but some have stuck with me and this is one. It's an idea that I have been embracing and trying to think about more lately. It's simple but important:

Begin to see yourself as a soul with a body rather than a body with a soul.
How someone treats you is their Karma, how you respond is yours.

all this with a splash of gratitude,

I'd also like to add a special note here for one of the most amazing people I've ever met: Gavin. 
You are so strong and so loved and never forget that. Though these past weeks have been hard for you, just know that there are so many people out there who are beyond grateful for having you in their life. Me being one. All my love to you and your family <3


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